Retired pope: condom use justified in ‘some cases’


VATICAN CITY— His Retired Holiness Pope Benedict XVI announced that condom use may be justified in “some cases,” where the primary goal is the prevention of the spread of HIV/AIDS and other diseases, as for a male prostitute. The pontiff went on to explain that condoms may be required in other instances of guy-on-guy action, especially where “monster dicks are involved.”

In a stunning reversal of papal instruction, Pope Benedict XVI said during an interview about his new book that condom use could be justified in “some cases,” specifically citing the case of male prostitutes who wish to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Your Zebra correspondent has discovered that for many years, the Catholic Church has preached that the faithful should breed indiscriminately, but only after they have signed a marriage contract in the presence of one of their celibate officials. Contraception was not to be employed, as this would interfere with the creator’s ability to create new life. Apparently, the God the humans worship, who is believed to have created heaven and earth, the universe and everything in it, can be stopped from creating new life every time some guy rolls a rubber sheath onto his dong. Some clerics speculate that condoms, pills laced with hormones and early withdrawal act as a sort of kryptonite, preventing an all-powerful omniscient being from exercising his divine will.

Plenty of controversy has been “aroused.” Has the church entered a new era where the laity can get laid without having to risk disease and unwanted pregnancy? Maybe, maybe not. The only example cited by His Holiness was that of a male prostitute, whose customers are supposedly exclusively male. In the case of male-on-male action, condom use does not interfere with God’s procreative will; only disease transmission is prevented, not conception.

In the past, the clergy has sought to prevent contraction of sexually transmitted disease by only having sex with young virginal members of the flock. It is, of course, impractical for everyone to insist on only having sex with virgins, but it is important for priests to set an example. The fickle outrage of the public has recently turned against the practice of men of the cloth introducing young church goers to physical delights, so it may be that church officials will have to resort to visiting male prostitutes, which explains why His Holiness might think condom use justified in this case. Of course, priests, bishops and cardinals will have to be protected from HIV/AIDS and other STDs, so condom use must be permitted. But when men visit female prostitutes, they must not under any circumstances use any prophylactic whatsoever. After contracting disease, presumably with God’s blessing, these men can sleep with their wives and other women. This will ensure that men and women will suffer lingering deaths, leaving behind many orphans who will no doubt turn to the guidance of the church during their troubled lives.