China to miniaturize population by 2055


BEIJING — The Chinese Ministry of Advanced Planning announced that China will have a miniaturized population in place by 2055.

Heung Cheung, spokesperson for the ministry, said that the decision to miniaturize people was the result of population growth exceeding the government’s official target in the census of 2000.  “We have over a billion people, and although the Communist Party of China has determined that a billion is plenty, peasants in the countryside continue to breed past designated numbers. While work to reduce the population to one billion will continue, we will move forward with our plans to miniaturize the population by 2055, for the greater glory of the People’s Republic of China. If China must endure higher than desired population growth, the impact can be lessened by reducing the size of each person.”

In miniaturizing the populace, China hopes to retain adult dimensions but reduce height and weight. “Our motto is ‘midgets, not dwarves,’” Cheung said. “There is one exception, and that is our plan to not reduce the male member in size. This should reduce the number of complaints made by Chinese females, who have long remained unfulfilled.”

The Chinese government hopes to reduce the average height of their population in several stages. Cheung said, “Although we hope for further reductions, our goal is to modify our population’s height to less than 90 cm. That is approximately 1 yard, for decadent westerns who still use ‘imperial’ measuring systems.”

This strategy has many advantages for the People’s Republic. If reductions proceed on schedule, the population will make lower demands on natural resources, and it will become possible to feed the entire eastern seaboard for a week with only one large serving of chicken lo mein.

BMW will be the first to design miniature cars for the new Chinese market at their Xi’an facilities. Pictured here, the BMW offices are a space-saving 8 feet in height.

A micro village offers a substantially lower environmental footprint. Over 800 micro-Han live in the apartment complex pictured here. The buildings are only 15 centimetres high, and are made of chippings from two regular-sized bricks and drywall made from eight discarded cigarette packages.

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Caption: BMW will be the first foreign car manufacturer to produce vehicles for the downsized Chinese population.


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Caption: The micro-Han will find themselves well accommodated. These three-story apartment buildings, less than a foot high, will greatly reduce the resources required to sustain the average Chinese citizen.