Politically Correct Atlas 1: Australia

Australia is the first state to formally consecrate drunkenness as a religion, and misogyny is a way of life there. But this lifestyle is somewhat hampered by the inability of its citizens to spell “misogyny.”

 

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 Australia, on the world map, pictured in red—which is strange because everyone knows that the Australian landmass is a delightful teal/seafoam colour. Everybody knows this.

 

  • Fact #1
    Australia’s marsupials produce an enormous amount of greenhouse gases. A marsupial produces more methane gas in a 24-hour period than any other land animal on earth when measured as a ratio of body mass (CH4/kg).
    Although Australia’s monotremes (the duckbilled platypus and the echidna) don’t produce as much methane per kilogram as the marsupials, they usually manage to smell even worse. This is for two reasons: their poor hygienic regime, as well as their dual-use cloaca designed both for elimination and copulation.
  • Fact #2
    Australia was largely settled by British convicts. And it shows.
  • Fact #3
    Australians have a sport called “Australian rules football.” They developed their own rules when it was decided that the standard British rules were not prissy enough, and so a more effeminate system of regulation was developed that better suited the Australian character. Australian rules football requires participants to wear tight, revealing outfits while not becoming emotionally involved with other players; the sport is meant to be “just a physical thing.”
  • Fact #4
    Australians have a ten-point emergency preparedness plan to deal with the chaos that will come when the Australian continent crashes into Asia 81 million years from now.
  • Fact #5
    It is inappropriate in Australia to copulate with a smaller doe kangaroo unless she has raised her tail. While humping the animal, it’s considered crass to grab her ears and shout, “Who’s a dirty kangaroo then?!”