PEORIA, Illinois – The Fast Food Pizza Chain ‘Little Caesars’ has a hit on its hands with their new $8 deep dish pizza they call the ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’.
To build on their recent success, Little Caesars looks to make their deep dish pizza even deeper with the addition of a degree in English Literature. “We really think we’ve taken a giant leap forward,” said Marvin Letteridge, Vice-President of Sales and Toppings at Little Caesars. “We aren’t just talking depth in overall size of the pizza…we are now talking about metaphorical depth as well.
“Today we are pleased to announce that with each ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’ there will be included one of a collection of ‘best undergraduate essays’ as selected by participating English Departments from Colleges and Universities across the United States and Canada.”
This recent academic addition was test-marketed in Peoria Illinois, and was a hit with most customers. “This is great,” said Sandy Cowan, a regular customer at her local Little Caesars. “Under my ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’ there was this great essay comparing two books I’ve never even heard of. It’s called ‘The Vanishing Hero: Escapism as Heroism in Catch-22 and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’. It’s about how, you know, in like a movie a hero usually sticks around to save the day, right? But in these books I haven’t read, it turns out that the hero gives up and leaves! How cool is that? I’m not going to, you know, read these books or anything, but the essay was cool.”
If this program is a success, Little Caesars will expand it, and begin including Master’s and PH.d Theses. . “We would need a bigger box for a thesis instead of just an essay,” said Letteridge, “Those eggheads, they really have to crank out that shit if they want a Master’s degree or a doctorate!”
Despite their commitment to post-secondary education, Little Caesars has refused all requests to insert a grammatically essential apostrophe to their name. So for the time being it will still be ‘Little Caesars’ instead of ‘Little Caesar’s’.
Learn to cook you worthless human.