Local Man Dayton Harvell plans to give up Heroin for Lent. “I figure hey, I’m not much of a Catholic, but I should at least make the fuckin’ effort, you know?”
Dayton, who lives above a convenience store in Colborne, Ontario with at least three other addicts of whom we are aware. “Living with other addicts…even when they are addicted to shit other than heroin, is gonna make it difficult.’ In dealing with this present temptation, there are few good points. “Now, Ed, Ed is just a pothead. And that’s not a real addiction, it’s just weed you know? And I can score some weed off of Ed when the withdrawal gets real bad. And it’s only a month, I can last a month can’t I?” When informed that Lent lasts for 40 days, Dayton’s only comment was ‘Fuck.”
Mladić is 74 years of age with snow white hair and a fiery disposition. He has a military background and loves to talk of old times, but has been known to be rather circumspect when it comes to talking about genocide, especially regarding the Srebrenica Massacre. He is known to have something of a mischievous disposition; he enjoys magic and on more than one occasion promised “to make muslims disappear’.
He is looking for a long-term relationship as he is serving a life sentence.
Above: Mark Hamill, photographed prior to his death…which is good because he will look a lot worse after he dies.
Mark Hamill is not dead…not yet. But we are ready. Hamill gained fame for his performance as the fresh-faced Luke Skywalker in three episodes of the Star Wars series of films. Afterwords Hamill found himself typecast and unable to find work. From then on he reportedly ‘kept himself busy’, going on long walks, and doing little fix-it jobs around the house. On the plus side Hamill gave an excellent performance in the recent independent film ‘Sushi Girl’. But no matter what he does, Hamill will never be forgiven for the exercise in audience-abuse that was the 1978 release of the film ‘Corvette Summer’.
An avid hunter of small game, Hamill took down rodents such as gophers or squirrels. He typically dispatched them with his bare hands, and a pickaxe.
Mark Hamill will be remembered. Or forgotten.
Hey, this would look great in your parents’ basement.
PEORIA, Illinois – The Fast Food Pizza Chain ‘Little Caesars’ has a hit on its hands with their new $8 deep dish pizza they call the ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’.
To build on their recent success, Little Caesars looks to make their deep dish pizza even deeper with the addition of a degree in English Literature. “We really think we’ve taken a giant leap forward,” said Marvin Letteridge, Vice-President of Sales and Toppings at Little Caesars. “We aren’t just talking depth in overall size of the pizza…we are now talking about metaphorical depth as well.
“Today we are pleased to announce that with each ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’ there will be included one of a collection of ‘best undergraduate essays’ as selected by participating English Departments from Colleges and Universities across the United States and Canada.”
This recent academic addition was test-marketed in Peoria Illinois, and was a hit with most customers. “This is great,” said Sandy Cowan, a regular customer at her local Little Caesars. “Under my ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’ there was this great essay comparing two books I’ve never even heard of. It’s called ‘The Vanishing Hero: Escapism as Heroism in Catch-22 and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’. It’s about how, you know, in like a movie a hero usually sticks around to save the day, right? But in these books I haven’t read, it turns out that the hero gives up and leaves! How cool is that? I’m not going to, you know, read these books or anything, but the essay was cool.”
If this program is a success, Little Caesars will expand it, and begin including Master’s and PH.d Theses. . “We would need a bigger box for a thesis instead of just an essay,” said Letteridge, “Those eggheads, they really have to crank out that shit if they want a Master’s degree or a doctorate!”
Despite their commitment to post-secondary education, Little Caesars has refused all requests to insert a grammatically essential apostrophe to their name. So for the time being it will still be ‘Little Caesars’ instead of ‘Little Caesar’s’.
A&E will no longer be burdened by its shameful artistic heritage.
A&E (formerly the Arts and Entertainment Network) is scheduled to abandon all artistic pretensions by Jan 2014, it was announced today.
“We’ve come a long way,” said network spokesperson Ken Wright. A&E certainly has.. When broadcasting began in 1984, A&E distinguished itself for its fine programing. There were classical music concerts featuring legendary conductor Leonard Bernstein, dramatic stage performances from prestigious venues and, of course, ballet live from New York’s Metropolitan Opera House. But times have changed.
“Ballet! Can you believe it!? Who watches that shit?” said Wright. “We put a stop to that crap, and switched to Bill Curtis doing half-hour profiles of mobsters and serial killers on American Justice. Now we have a full-court press of reality programming.
The First 48 features real-life murder and mayhem! We’ve shown such illuminating programing as Gene Simpson Family Jewels, and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Right now my favourite show is Storage Wars. People bid on cardboard boxes, and the guy that pays the most gets to open them!”
Wright has confirmed that the E in A&E still stands for “entertainment.” “But the A can stand for anything! Assassination, ass play, autoerotic asphyxiation! Anything you want!”
Are there exciting new shows coming this fall? “You bet!” said Wright.”
Keep an eye out for Crisis of Faith: Nuns in Heat and The Real Male Prostitutes of Dekalb Country. A&E also has a show in development that industry insiders believe could be a sleeper hit: Dumpster Diving, where the indigent compete to see who can find the most valuable contents in dumpsters. The winner gets use of an apartment for one year and a thousand-dollar gift certificate from ABC Liquors.
Want to learn how to evade bounty hunters while simultaneously helping this hungry Zebra journalist buy a coffee? Catch DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER Season 8 on Amazon:
Zsa Zsa Gabor: Obnoxious Eastern-Eurotrash who eked out a minor living by playing women of a higher class than herself. When not trying to slap patrolmen into submission, she could be found on trial for having slapped them. Just another poodle-carrying no-brain, who, through some great defeat of logic, somehow thought she was better than others despite evidence that should have prompted an inferiority complex.
Other interesting facts about Zsa Zsa Gabor:
She was the best actress of the Gabor sisters. No, wait, she was the third best. My mistake.
Of all the actresses to come out of Hungary, she had the longest nails.
Didn’t she play “Arnold” on Green Acres?
Zsa Zsa Gabor had the curious habit of letting her precious poodle run up and down airplane aisles.
Switzerland is a neutral (a.k.a. “chicken”) country whose primary occupations are to keep good time and hide money through its very sensible banking laws. If the account holder is Jewish, the banks take the precaution of hiding the money from the depositor as well.
The nation of Switzerland is typically associated with fine chocolates and watchmaking and has a population of yodelling pacifist wankers.
Fact # 1
Switzerland is a neutral, landlocked European nation with sensible banking laws. If the account holder is Jewish, the banks take the added precaution of hiding the money from the depositor as well.
Fact # 2
Its third-largest export consists of Swiss Guards to the Vatican.
Switzerland is composed of 26 cantons, some of them with garlic.
Fact # 4
One of the highest crimes a tourist can commit in Switzerland is to make jokes about watches or yodelling. Jokes about Toblerone bars are considered strictly passé but are not illegal by statute or by law.
Fact # 5
Contrary to popular belief, The Sound of Music was not filmed in Switzerland—continuing the long tradition of things not happening in Switzerland.
The world’s second largest country, Canada has a population density of less than 8 people per square mile…which is just as well, seeing as it’s citizens can’t stand each other because they are all so boring. Proof of this can be found in the fact that a Canadian invented the paint roller.
The Beaver is one of the many disgusting creatures, along with humans, that pollute Canada with their very presence. Fortunately, the beaver population was greatly reduced when it was discovered that beavers made excellent hats…although they require great oversight as, left to their own devices, they will just sit around all day farting and chewing on tree bark. Beavers are a bunch of indolent fucktards.
Fact # 1 Canada is the world’s 2nd largest country, but it has a very low population density. This is just as well, as they all hate each other and refuse to huddle for warmth.
Fact # 2
One of the most important inventions a Canadian ever made was the paint roller.
Fact # 3
Canada is both wealthy and boring. Scientists were investigating this fact, but they got distracted and went to study something else instead.
Fact # 4
Canada and The United States have had a long complex relationship where the USA says ‘Hey baby, you know you want it,” and Canada is, like, saying ‘no way, why don’t you go screw Mexico’ and then America is like ‘ok I will’ and then goes and screws Mexico and Canada doesn’t know what it wants right now but isn’t sure if she should feel relief, jealousy or envy.
‘O’ Canada’, was officially adopted as Canada’s national anthem in 1980. Prior to this, the unofficial anthem was ‘The Maple Leaf Forever’. Musicians were delighted when O Canada became the Anthem, because playing maple leaf forever became tiresome even after just one hour.
This country is home to over 200 endangered species of lemur. Lemurs are playful little creatures that dance through the forest canopy in a never-ending ballet of grace and beauty. Also, they are low in saturated fat.
Pictured above is one of the many delicious lemurs that dwell in the trees of Madagascar. The lemur’s front paws are remarkably dexterous. But the editors were forced to crop the picture as this disgusting primate was busy pleasuring himself at the time the photo was taken. Lemurs masturbate for only 79% of their waking hours.
Fact # 1
Madagascar is home to over 200 endangered species of lemur. Lemurs are playful little creatures that dance through the forest canopy in a never ending ballet of grace and beauty. Also, they are low in saturated fat.
Fact # 2
Madagascar is the fourth-largest island in the world. They didn’t even get the bronze—what a bunch of losers.
Fact # 3
Most of the population of this island lives on less than two dollars a day. So Madagascar is a lot like its neighbors on the African continent.
In the late 1800s, Madagascar was conquered by the French and was made a colony in their empire. Even after winning their independence back, defiant native islanders still refuse to eat croissants, baguettes or snails.
Fact # 5
Madagascar’s national sport is called Lithumabunkai, which translates as “Let’s search for food.”
Australia is the first state to formally consecrate drunkenness as a religion, and misogyny is a way of life there. But this lifestyle is somewhat hampered by the inability of its citizens to spell “misogyny.”
Australia, on the world map, pictured in red—which is strange because everyone knows that the Australian landmass is a delightful teal/seafoam colour. Everybody knows this.
Fact #1 Australia’s marsupials produce an enormous amount of greenhouse gases. A marsupial produces more methane gas in a 24-hour period than any other land animal on earth when measured as a ratio of body mass (CH4/kg).
Although Australia’s monotremes (the duckbilled platypus and the echidna) don’t produce as much methane per kilogram as the marsupials, they usually manage to smell even worse. This is for two reasons: their poor hygienic regime, as well as their dual-use cloaca designed both for elimination and copulation.
Fact #2 Australia was largely settled by British convicts. And it shows.
Fact #3 Australians have a sport called “Australian rules football.” They developed their own rules when it was decided that the standard British rules were not prissy enough, and so a more effeminate system of regulation was developed that better suited the Australian character. Australian rules football requires participants to wear tight, revealing outfits while not becoming emotionally involved with other players; the sport is meant to be “just a physical thing.”
Fact #4 Australians have a ten-point emergency preparedness plan to deal with the chaos that will come when the Australian continent crashes into Asia 81 million years from now.
Fact #5 It is inappropriate in Australia to copulate with a smaller doe kangaroo unless she has raised her tail. While humping the animal, it’s considered crass to grab her ears and shout, “Who’s a dirty kangaroo then?!”