Coast Guard makes $48 million cocaine buy


MIAMI — Thanks to a recent intervention by the Coast Guard, $48 million worth of cocaine will not make it to the streets of the United States any time soon. “We used two cutters, that is, large Coast Guard vessels, and a helicopter to intercept a go-fast vessel that had three traffickers on board,” said Pete White, spokesman and colonel for the Coast Guard.

There has been no violence associated with dock-side cocaine sales when the Coast Guard is around. This may have to do with the presence of the Bushmaster machine gun, which has been known to put a stop to problems before they get out of hand.

A brief inventory of the vessel was taken and 63 bales of cocaine were seized, with a street value of $62 million dollars. “But we didn’t have to pay that much,” said Colonel White. “With some tough negotiating, we were able to talk them down to $48 million.”

The purchase amounts to 115 kilograms of the white powdery substance known as “cocaine.” The colonel continued, “We switched to metric, because metric is what’s cool these days in the drug world. You start talking ounces and the drug dealers will just think you’re a rube and will try to take advantage of you.”

This purchase of cocaine marks the first large-scale illegal drug buy on behalf of the United States Coast Guard. “We’ve tested the cocaine, and we’ve scored some really good quality shit here,” said the spokesperson. “Most of us just use cocaine as blow; I mean to say that we snort it up a nostril. We have yet to test it as ‘crack’ or ‘rock’ where you inhale the coke for a briefer, but more intense, high.

Is there anything worse than a drug dealer who refuses to deal? The Coast Guard fires warning shots, a technique known as “friendly persuasion.”

“This is a win-win for America. By using an arm of the US government to distribute cocaine, we take the money out of lowlife drug dealers who plague our inner cities, and much of the violence that attends all of the drug dealing,” Col. White continued. “And if any gangbangers want to object to the fact that we sell cocaine at many of the docks around the Miami area, we invite them to drop by. Our Coast Guard cutters are armed with M242 Bushmaster chain-fed automatic cannons, firing 200 rounds per minute, and the award-winning M2 Browning belt-fed machine guns, which can fire at 1200 rounds per minute. We will fuck you up.”

When the Coast Guard needs a break from cocaine, they go for the natural high of a ride on an MH-65C Dolphin Helicopter.

Even after a portion of the cocaine has been distributed to Coast Guard personnel, sales of the cocaine to the general public will more than make up for the $48 million expenditure. “We will have enough money left over to buy a new MH-65C Dolphin Helicopter! How cool is that? And it won’t cost taxpayers one cent!”

When the floor was opened up to questions, the colonel quickly ended the Q&A after your reporter asked him a question. “What the fuck is this?” The colonel shouted. “What the fuck is a zebra doing here? Just what kind of shit am I on anyway? Get me out of here!”