Politically Correct Atlas 4: Switzerland

Switzerland is a neutral (a.k.a. “chicken”) country whose primary occupations are to keep good time and hide money through its very sensible banking laws. If the account holder is Jewish, the banks take the precaution of hiding the money from the depositor as well.

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switzerland

The nation of Switzerland is typically associated with fine chocolates and watchmaking and has a population of yodelling pacifist wankers.

 

  • Fact # 1
    Switzerland is a neutral, landlocked European nation with sensible banking laws. If the account holder is Jewish, the banks take the added precaution of hiding the money from the depositor as well.
  • Fact # 2
    Its third-largest export consists of Swiss Guards to the Vatican.
  • Fact #3
    Switzerland is composed of 26 cantons, some of them with garlic.
  • Fact # 4
    One of the highest crimes a tourist can commit in Switzerland is to make jokes about watches or yodelling. Jokes about Toblerone bars are considered strictly passé but are not illegal by statute or by law.
  • Fact # 5
    Contrary to popular belief, The Sound of Music was not filmed in Switzerland—continuing the long tradition of things not happening in Switzerland.

 

Politically Correct Atlas 3: Canada

 

The world’s second largest country, Canada has a population density of less than 8 people per square mile…which is just as well, seeing as it’s citizens can’t stand each other because they are all so boring.   Proof of this can be found in the fact that a Canadian invented the paint roller.

 

Beaver

The Beaver is one of the many disgusting creatures, along with humans, that pollute Canada with their very presence. Fortunately, the beaver population was greatly reduced when it was discovered that beavers made excellent hats…although they require great oversight as, left to their own devices, they will just sit around all day farting and chewing on tree bark. Beavers are a bunch of indolent fucktards.

 

Fact # 1
Canada is the world’s 2nd largest country, but it has a very low population density. This is just as well, as they all hate each other and refuse to huddle for warmth.

Fact # 2
One of the most important inventions a Canadian ever made was the paint roller.

Fact # 3
Canada is both wealthy and boring. Scientists were investigating this fact, but they got distracted and went to study something else instead.

Fact # 4
Canada and The United States have had a long complex relationship where the USA says ‘Hey baby, you know you want it,” and Canada is, like, saying ‘no way, why don’t you go screw Mexico’ and then America is like ‘ok I will’ and then goes and screws Mexico and Canada doesn’t know what it wants right now but isn’t sure if she should feel relief, jealousy or envy.

Fact #5
‘O’ Canada’, was officially adopted as Canada’s national anthem in 1980. Prior to this, the unofficial anthem was ‘The Maple Leaf Forever’.  Musicians were delighted when O Canada became the Anthem, because playing maple leaf forever became tiresome even after just one hour.

Politically Correct Atlas 2: Madagascar

This country is home to over 200 endangered species of lemur. Lemurs are playful little creatures that dance through the forest canopy in a never-ending ballet of grace and beauty. Also, they are low in saturated fat.

 

lemur

Pictured above is one of the many delicious lemurs that dwell in the trees of Madagascar. The lemur’s front paws are remarkably dexterous. But the editors were forced to crop the picture as this disgusting primate was busy pleasuring himself at the time the photo was taken. Lemurs masturbate for only 79% of their waking hours.

 

  • Fact # 1
    Madagascar is home to over 200 endangered species of lemur. Lemurs are playful little creatures that dance through the forest canopy in a never ending ballet of grace and beauty. Also, they are low in saturated fat.
  • Fact # 2
    Madagascar is the fourth-largest island in the world. They didn’t even get the bronze—what a bunch of losers.
  • Fact # 3
    Most of the population of this island lives on less than two dollars a day. So Madagascar is a lot like its neighbors on the African continent.
  • Fact #4
    In the late 1800s, Madagascar was conquered by the French and was made a colony in their empire. Even after winning their independence back, defiant native islanders still refuse to eat croissants, baguettes or snails.
  • Fact # 5
    Madagascar’s national sport is called Lithumabunkai, which translates as “Let’s search for food.”

Politically Correct Atlas 1: Australia

Australia is the first state to formally consecrate drunkenness as a religion, and misogyny is a way of life there. But this lifestyle is somewhat hampered by the inability of its citizens to spell “misogyny.”

 

Australia_01.svg.hi

 Australia, on the world map, pictured in red—which is strange because everyone knows that the Australian landmass is a delightful teal/seafoam colour. Everybody knows this.

 

  • Fact #1
    Australia’s marsupials produce an enormous amount of greenhouse gases. A marsupial produces more methane gas in a 24-hour period than any other land animal on earth when measured as a ratio of body mass (CH4/kg).
    Although Australia’s monotremes (the duckbilled platypus and the echidna) don’t produce as much methane per kilogram as the marsupials, they usually manage to smell even worse. This is for two reasons: their poor hygienic regime, as well as their dual-use cloaca designed both for elimination and copulation.
  • Fact #2
    Australia was largely settled by British convicts. And it shows.
  • Fact #3
    Australians have a sport called “Australian rules football.” They developed their own rules when it was decided that the standard British rules were not prissy enough, and so a more effeminate system of regulation was developed that better suited the Australian character. Australian rules football requires participants to wear tight, revealing outfits while not becoming emotionally involved with other players; the sport is meant to be “just a physical thing.”
  • Fact #4
    Australians have a ten-point emergency preparedness plan to deal with the chaos that will come when the Australian continent crashes into Asia 81 million years from now.
  • Fact #5
    It is inappropriate in Australia to copulate with a smaller doe kangaroo unless she has raised her tail. While humping the animal, it’s considered crass to grab her ears and shout, “Who’s a dirty kangaroo then?!”