Obituary: Mark Hamill (Pre-Dead)

Above: Mark Hamill, photographed prior to his death…which is good because he will look a lot worse after he dies.

Mark Hamill is not dead…not yet. But we are ready. Hamill gained fame for his performance as the fresh-faced Luke Skywalker in three episodes of the Star Wars series of films. Afterwords Hamill found himself typecast and unable to find work. From then on he reportedly ‘kept himself busy’, going on long walks, and doing little fix-it jobs around the house. On the plus side Hamill gave an excellent performance in the recent independent film ‘Sushi Girl’. But no matter what he does, Hamill will never be forgiven for the exercise in audience-abuse that was the 1978 release of the film ‘Corvette Summer’.
An avid hunter of small game, Hamill took down rodents such as gophers or squirrels. He typically dispatched them with his bare hands, and a pickaxe.
Mark Hamill will be remembered. Or forgotten.

A true egalitarian, Hamill was willing to pose with other actors, no matter how popular they were before their careers tanked.
A true egalitarian, Hamill was willing to pose with other actors, no matter how popular they were before their careers tanked.

 

Hey, this would look great in your parents’ basement.

Obituary: Zsa Zsa Gabor

February 6, 1917–soon enough

ZsaZsaGaborZsa Zsa Gabor: Obnoxious Eastern-Eurotrash who eked out a minor living by playing women of a higher class than herself. When not trying to slap patrolmen into submission, she could be found on trial for having slapped them. Just another poodle-carrying no-brain, who, through some great defeat of logic, somehow thought she was better than others despite evidence that should have prompted an inferiority complex.

Other interesting facts about Zsa Zsa Gabor:

  • She was the best actress of the Gabor sisters. No, wait, she was the third best. My mistake.
  • Of all the actresses to come out of Hungary, she had the longest nails.
  • Didn’t she play “Arnold” on Green Acres?
  • Zsa Zsa Gabor had the curious habit of letting her precious poodle run up and down airplane aisles.