A&E to Drop All Artistic Pretensions

A&E will no longer be burdened by its shameful artistic heritage.

A&E (formerly the Arts and Entertainment Network) is scheduled to abandon all artistic pretensions by Jan 2014, it was announced today.
“We’ve come a long way,” said network spokesperson Ken Wright. A&E certainly has.. When broadcasting began in 1984, A&E distinguished itself for its fine programing. There were classical music concerts featuring legendary conductor Leonard Bernstein, dramatic stage performances from prestigious venues and, of course, ballet live from New York’s Metropolitan Opera House. But times have changed.

“Ballet! Can you believe it!? Who watches that shit?” said Wright. “We put a stop to that crap, and switched to Bill Curtis doing half-hour profiles of mobsters and serial killers on American Justice. Now we have a full-court press of reality programming.

The First 48 features real-life murder and mayhem! We’ve shown such illuminating programing as Gene Simpson Family Jewels, and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Right now my favourite show is Storage Wars. People bid on cardboard boxes, and the guy that pays the most gets to open them!”
Wright has confirmed that the E in A&E still stands for “entertainment.” “But the A can stand for anything! Assassination, ass play, autoerotic asphyxiation! Anything you want!”

Are there exciting new shows coming this fall? “You bet!” said Wright.”

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A&E’s Dog The Bounty Hunter, was briefly rebranded as Dog The Bounty Hunter (N-word not included).

Keep an eye out for Crisis of Faith: Nuns in Heat and The Real Male Prostitutes of Dekalb Country. A&E also has a show in development that industry insiders believe could be a sleeper hit: Dumpster Diving, where the indigent compete to see who can find the most valuable contents in dumpsters. The winner gets use of an apartment for one year and a thousand-dollar gift certificate from ABC Liquors.

Want to learn how to evade bounty hunters while simultaneously helping this hungry Zebra journalist buy a coffee? Catch DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER Season 8 on Amazon:

Charlie Sheen experiences ‘totally normal day’

NEW YORK — Charlie Sheen’s personal assistant was hospitalized Thursday after police were called to the hotel room of his employer, star of Anger Management and the Major League films.

A spokesperson for New York Presbyterian Hospital stated that the personal assistant was treated for shock, after suffering a seizure while witnessing actor Charlie Sheen experience a “totally normal day.”

 

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Charlie Sheen was reportedly “normal” for a full 24 hours.

Sheen’s publicist claimed that the assistant experienced an allergic reaction to the mundane and ordinary, when Charlie Sheen spent almost 24 hours acting like a reasonable human being.

This unusual day began Wednesday morning at 1:30 a.m. Charlie Sheen had taken his cousin to a Broadway play, dropped her off and then returned to his accommodations at the Plaza Hotel. The assistant realized that Sheen was not drunk or high on drugs, and was not in the company of a prostitute or porn star. “The assistant was scared and unnerved, as anyone would be in such a situation,” the publicist said.

At first, the assistant just shrugged it off as “just one of those things,” and tried to get some much-needed sleep. It was difficult, the publicist reported, as Sheen’s personal assistant is not used to sleeping soundly and is accustomed to drug-addled ranting and raving and plenty of “frantic scratching at the walls and doors.”

Wednesday morning, Sheen’s sanity continued when Sheen woke before 8 a.m. and had breakfast. He read the paper, took his own phone calls and answered emails. At this point, Sheen’s assistant began trembling fiercely; when he began to froth at the mouth, his boss, Charlie Sheen, promptly called 911 and rendered assistance until paramedics arrived.

The publicist said that Sheen would not be available for comment, as he was attending at the bedside of his assistant.

 

 

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Charlie Sheen’s personal assistant, shocked by his employer’s nonstop sanity, began to froth at the mouth in a manner similar to this dog.

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Cruise to change name to ‘McCruise’

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LOS ANGELES — Actor and producer Tom Cruise has issued a press release announcing plans to change his name to “McCruise” in the new year.

“It’s not a new year’s resolution or anything like that,” said Cruise’s publicist, Baul Ploch.

Tom Cruise first rose to public attention in 1983 when he played the lead role in the teen coming-of-age film Risky Business. Success and fame followed with roles in Top Gun, Days of Thunder, and the Mission: Impossible films.

During an interview with Variety, the leading Hollywood trade publication, Ploch said the name change was part of an exercise in branding: “We want to take Tom to the next level. It’s not enough for him to be an A-list actor. We want him to be a brand in and of himself.

“Being an entity known by a single name is to be more than famous. You are an icon. This is more common in the music business, for example, Cher, Bette and Björk. But we can’t use Tom’s first name, because it’s too common. Also, during our research, we discovered that 42% of the public in America’s Midwest would assume that any use of the name ‘Tom’ was a reference to Tom Arnold, sometime actor and ex-husband to Roseanne Barr. Tom Arnold has starred in such direct-to-video hits as Carpool and The Stupids.

“We considered at length the option of referring to Tom solely as ‘Cruise.’ But problems again surface that the name can be confused with that of Penélope Cruz. It’s infuriating. Damn homophones. So we went back and forth and brainstormed, and we came up with ‘McCruise.'”

Ploch said that the difficult process of selecting a new name for Cruise took many months. “We played around with a lot of names. But ‘basilmarceau.com’ was taken. ‘BigAssActor’ seemed too egocentric. So we went with ‘McCruise.’

“In the future, when Tom appears in a film, the credit will go to ‘McCruise.’ And before all interviews, the journalist must agree to only refer to Tom as ‘McCruise.’ We look forward to McCruise’s continued success as ‘McCruise,’ as well as many cross-brand promotional opportunities with a Scottish restaurant of some distinction.”McCruise