Local Man Plans to give up Heroin for Lent

Local Man Dayton Harvell plans to give up Heroin for Lent. “I figure hey, I’m not much of a Catholic, but I should at least make the fuckin’ effort, you know?”

Dayton, who lives above a convenience store in Colborne, Ontario with at least three other addicts of whom we are aware. “Living with other addicts…even when they are addicted to shit other than heroin, is gonna make it difficult.’ In dealing with this present temptation, there are few good points. “Now, Ed, Ed is just a pothead. And that’s not a real addiction, it’s just weed you know? And I can score some weed off of Ed when the withdrawal gets real bad. And it’s only a month, I can last a month can’t I?” When informed that Lent lasts for 40 days, Dayton’s only comment was ‘Fuck.”

Convicted of Genocide and sentenced to life in prison, Ratko Mladić begins search for ‘Prison Wife’

A man who really knows how to commit, ready to lay siege to your heart.
Mladić is 74 years of age with snow white hair and a fiery disposition. He has a military background and loves to talk of old times, but has been known to be rather circumspect when it comes to talking about genocide, especially regarding the Srebrenica Massacre. He is known to have something of a mischievous disposition; he enjoys magic and on more than one occasion promised “to make muslims disappear’.

He is looking for a long-term relationship as he is serving a life sentence.

Serious callers only
and please, no rough trade.

Little Caesars Deep Dish Pizza to Become Even Deeper with Addition of Degree in English Literature

PEORIA, Illinois – The Fast Food Pizza Chain ‘Little Caesars’ has a hit on its hands with their new $8 deep dish pizza they call the ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’.

To build on their recent success, Little Caesars looks to make their deep dish pizza even deeper with the addition of a degree in English Literature. “We really think we’ve taken a giant leap forward,” said Marvin Letteridge, Vice-President of Sales and Toppings at Little Caesars. “We aren’t just talking depth in overall size of the pizza…we are now talking about metaphorical depth as well.

“Today we are pleased to announce that with each ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’ there will be included one of a collection of ‘best undergraduate essays’ as selected by participating English Departments from Colleges and Universities across the United States and Canada.”

Under the latest promotion, each deep dish pizza from Little Caesar will come with an undergraduate essay on English Literature
Under the latest promotion, each deep dish pizza from Little Caesar will come with an undergraduate essay on English Literature

This recent academic addition was test-marketed in Peoria Illinois, and was a hit with most customers. “This is great,” said Sandy Cowan, a regular customer at her local Little Caesars. “Under my ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’ there was this great essay comparing two books I’ve never even heard of. It’s called ‘The Vanishing Hero: Escapism as Heroism in Catch-22 and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’. It’s about how, you know, in like a movie a hero usually sticks around to save the day, right? But in these books I haven’t read, it turns out that the hero gives up and leaves! How cool is that? I’m not going to, you know, read these books or anything, but the essay was cool.”

If this program is a success, Little Caesars will expand it, and begin including Master’s and PH.d Theses. . “We would need a bigger box for a thesis instead of just an essay,” said Letteridge, “Those eggheads, they really have to crank out that shit if they want a Master’s degree or a doctorate!”

Despite their commitment to post-secondary education, Little Caesars has refused all requests to insert a grammatically essential apostrophe to their name. So for the time being it will still be ‘Little Caesars’ instead of ‘Little Caesar’s’.

Learn to cook you worthless human.

A&E to Drop All Artistic Pretensions

A&E will no longer be burdened by its shameful artistic heritage.

A&E (formerly the Arts and Entertainment Network) is scheduled to abandon all artistic pretensions by Jan 2014, it was announced today.
“We’ve come a long way,” said network spokesperson Ken Wright. A&E certainly has.. When broadcasting began in 1984, A&E distinguished itself for its fine programing. There were classical music concerts featuring legendary conductor Leonard Bernstein, dramatic stage performances from prestigious venues and, of course, ballet live from New York’s Metropolitan Opera House. But times have changed.

“Ballet! Can you believe it!? Who watches that shit?” said Wright. “We put a stop to that crap, and switched to Bill Curtis doing half-hour profiles of mobsters and serial killers on American Justice. Now we have a full-court press of reality programming.

The First 48 features real-life murder and mayhem! We’ve shown such illuminating programing as Gene Simpson Family Jewels, and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Right now my favourite show is Storage Wars. People bid on cardboard boxes, and the guy that pays the most gets to open them!”
Wright has confirmed that the E in A&E still stands for “entertainment.” “But the A can stand for anything! Assassination, ass play, autoerotic asphyxiation! Anything you want!”

Are there exciting new shows coming this fall? “You bet!” said Wright.”

A&E’s Dog The Bounty Hunter, was briefly rebranded as Dog The Bounty Hunter (N-word not included).

Keep an eye out for Crisis of Faith: Nuns in Heat and The Real Male Prostitutes of Dekalb Country. A&E also has a show in development that industry insiders believe could be a sleeper hit: Dumpster Diving, where the indigent compete to see who can find the most valuable contents in dumpsters. The winner gets use of an apartment for one year and a thousand-dollar gift certificate from ABC Liquors.

Want to learn how to evade bounty hunters while simultaneously helping this hungry Zebra journalist buy a coffee? Catch DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER Season 8 on Amazon:

Charlie Sheen experiences ‘totally normal day’

NEW YORK — Charlie Sheen’s personal assistant was hospitalized Thursday after police were called to the hotel room of his employer, star of Anger Management and the Major League films.

A spokesperson for New York Presbyterian Hospital stated that the personal assistant was treated for shock, after suffering a seizure while witnessing actor Charlie Sheen experience a “totally normal day.”



Charlie Sheen was reportedly “normal” for a full 24 hours.

Sheen’s publicist claimed that the assistant experienced an allergic reaction to the mundane and ordinary, when Charlie Sheen spent almost 24 hours acting like a reasonable human being.

This unusual day began Wednesday morning at 1:30 a.m. Charlie Sheen had taken his cousin to a Broadway play, dropped her off and then returned to his accommodations at the Plaza Hotel. The assistant realized that Sheen was not drunk or high on drugs, and was not in the company of a prostitute or porn star. “The assistant was scared and unnerved, as anyone would be in such a situation,” the publicist said.

At first, the assistant just shrugged it off as “just one of those things,” and tried to get some much-needed sleep. It was difficult, the publicist reported, as Sheen’s personal assistant is not used to sleeping soundly and is accustomed to drug-addled ranting and raving and plenty of “frantic scratching at the walls and doors.”

Wednesday morning, Sheen’s sanity continued when Sheen woke before 8 a.m. and had breakfast. He read the paper, took his own phone calls and answered emails. At this point, Sheen’s assistant began trembling fiercely; when he began to froth at the mouth, his boss, Charlie Sheen, promptly called 911 and rendered assistance until paramedics arrived.

The publicist said that Sheen would not be available for comment, as he was attending at the bedside of his assistant.




Charlie Sheen’s personal assistant, shocked by his employer’s nonstop sanity, began to froth at the mouth in a manner similar to this dog.






Retired pope: condom use justified in ‘some cases’


VATICAN CITY— His Retired Holiness Pope Benedict XVI announced that condom use may be justified in “some cases,” where the primary goal is the prevention of the spread of HIV/AIDS and other diseases, as for a male prostitute. The pontiff went on to explain that condoms may be required in other instances of guy-on-guy action, especially where “monster dicks are involved.”

In a stunning reversal of papal instruction, Pope Benedict XVI said during an interview about his new book that condom use could be justified in “some cases,” specifically citing the case of male prostitutes who wish to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Your Zebra correspondent has discovered that for many years, the Catholic Church has preached that the faithful should breed indiscriminately, but only after they have signed a marriage contract in the presence of one of their celibate officials. Contraception was not to be employed, as this would interfere with the creator’s ability to create new life. Apparently, the God the humans worship, who is believed to have created heaven and earth, the universe and everything in it, can be stopped from creating new life every time some guy rolls a rubber sheath onto his dong. Some clerics speculate that condoms, pills laced with hormones and early withdrawal act as a sort of kryptonite, preventing an all-powerful omniscient being from exercising his divine will.

Plenty of controversy has been “aroused.” Has the church entered a new era where the laity can get laid without having to risk disease and unwanted pregnancy? Maybe, maybe not. The only example cited by His Holiness was that of a male prostitute, whose customers are supposedly exclusively male. In the case of male-on-male action, condom use does not interfere with God’s procreative will; only disease transmission is prevented, not conception.

In the past, the clergy has sought to prevent contraction of sexually transmitted disease by only having sex with young virginal members of the flock. It is, of course, impractical for everyone to insist on only having sex with virgins, but it is important for priests to set an example. The fickle outrage of the public has recently turned against the practice of men of the cloth introducing young church goers to physical delights, so it may be that church officials will have to resort to visiting male prostitutes, which explains why His Holiness might think condom use justified in this case. Of course, priests, bishops and cardinals will have to be protected from HIV/AIDS and other STDs, so condom use must be permitted. But when men visit female prostitutes, they must not under any circumstances use any prophylactic whatsoever. After contracting disease, presumably with God’s blessing, these men can sleep with their wives and other women. This will ensure that men and women will suffer lingering deaths, leaving behind many orphans who will no doubt turn to the guidance of the church during their troubled lives.

China to miniaturize population by 2055


BEIJING — The Chinese Ministry of Advanced Planning announced that China will have a miniaturized population in place by 2055.

Heung Cheung, spokesperson for the ministry, said that the decision to miniaturize people was the result of population growth exceeding the government’s official target in the census of 2000.  “We have over a billion people, and although the Communist Party of China has determined that a billion is plenty, peasants in the countryside continue to breed past designated numbers. While work to reduce the population to one billion will continue, we will move forward with our plans to miniaturize the population by 2055, for the greater glory of the People’s Republic of China. If China must endure higher than desired population growth, the impact can be lessened by reducing the size of each person.”

In miniaturizing the populace, China hopes to retain adult dimensions but reduce height and weight. “Our motto is ‘midgets, not dwarves,’” Cheung said. “There is one exception, and that is our plan to not reduce the male member in size. This should reduce the number of complaints made by Chinese females, who have long remained unfulfilled.”

The Chinese government hopes to reduce the average height of their population in several stages. Cheung said, “Although we hope for further reductions, our goal is to modify our population’s height to less than 90 cm. That is approximately 1 yard, for decadent westerns who still use ‘imperial’ measuring systems.”

This strategy has many advantages for the People’s Republic. If reductions proceed on schedule, the population will make lower demands on natural resources, and it will become possible to feed the entire eastern seaboard for a week with only one large serving of chicken lo mein.

BMW will be the first to design miniature cars for the new Chinese market at their Xi’an facilities. Pictured here, the BMW offices are a space-saving 8 feet in height.

A micro village offers a substantially lower environmental footprint. Over 800 micro-Han live in the apartment complex pictured here. The buildings are only 15 centimetres high, and are made of chippings from two regular-sized bricks and drywall made from eight discarded cigarette packages.

Image 1

Caption: BMW will be the first foreign car manufacturer to produce vehicles for the downsized Chinese population.


Image 2

Caption: The micro-Han will find themselves well accommodated. These three-story apartment buildings, less than a foot high, will greatly reduce the resources required to sustain the average Chinese citizen.


Coast Guard makes $48 million cocaine buy


MIAMI — Thanks to a recent intervention by the Coast Guard, $48 million worth of cocaine will not make it to the streets of the United States any time soon. “We used two cutters, that is, large Coast Guard vessels, and a helicopter to intercept a go-fast vessel that had three traffickers on board,” said Pete White, spokesman and colonel for the Coast Guard.

There has been no violence associated with dock-side cocaine sales when the Coast Guard is around. This may have to do with the presence of the Bushmaster machine gun, which has been known to put a stop to problems before they get out of hand.

A brief inventory of the vessel was taken and 63 bales of cocaine were seized, with a street value of $62 million dollars. “But we didn’t have to pay that much,” said Colonel White. “With some tough negotiating, we were able to talk them down to $48 million.”

The purchase amounts to 115 kilograms of the white powdery substance known as “cocaine.” The colonel continued, “We switched to metric, because metric is what’s cool these days in the drug world. You start talking ounces and the drug dealers will just think you’re a rube and will try to take advantage of you.”

This purchase of cocaine marks the first large-scale illegal drug buy on behalf of the United States Coast Guard. “We’ve tested the cocaine, and we’ve scored some really good quality shit here,” said the spokesperson. “Most of us just use cocaine as blow; I mean to say that we snort it up a nostril. We have yet to test it as ‘crack’ or ‘rock’ where you inhale the coke for a briefer, but more intense, high.

Is there anything worse than a drug dealer who refuses to deal? The Coast Guard fires warning shots, a technique known as “friendly persuasion.”

“This is a win-win for America. By using an arm of the US government to distribute cocaine, we take the money out of lowlife drug dealers who plague our inner cities, and much of the violence that attends all of the drug dealing,” Col. White continued. “And if any gangbangers want to object to the fact that we sell cocaine at many of the docks around the Miami area, we invite them to drop by. Our Coast Guard cutters are armed with M242 Bushmaster chain-fed automatic cannons, firing 200 rounds per minute, and the award-winning M2 Browning belt-fed machine guns, which can fire at 1200 rounds per minute. We will fuck you up.”

When the Coast Guard needs a break from cocaine, they go for the natural high of a ride on an MH-65C Dolphin Helicopter.

Even after a portion of the cocaine has been distributed to Coast Guard personnel, sales of the cocaine to the general public will more than make up for the $48 million expenditure. “We will have enough money left over to buy a new MH-65C Dolphin Helicopter! How cool is that? And it won’t cost taxpayers one cent!”

When the floor was opened up to questions, the colonel quickly ended the Q&A after your reporter asked him a question. “What the fuck is this?” The colonel shouted. “What the fuck is a zebra doing here? Just what kind of shit am I on anyway? Get me out of here!”




Tom Cruise to change name to ‘McCruise’


LOS ANGELES — Actor and producer Tom Cruise has issued a press release announcing plans to change his name to “McCruise” in the new year.

“It’s not a new year’s resolution or anything like that,” said Cruise’s publicist, Baul Ploch.

Tom Cruise first rose to public attention in 1983 when he played the lead role in the teen coming-of-age film Risky Business. Success and fame followed with roles in Top Gun, Days of Thunder, and the Mission: Impossible films.

During an interview with Variety, the leading Hollywood trade publication, Ploch said the name change was part of an exercise in branding: “We want to take Tom to the next level. It’s not enough for him to be an A-list actor. We want him to be a brand in and of himself.

“Being an entity known by a single name is to be more than famous. You are an icon. This is more common in the music business, for example, Cher, Bette and Björk. But we can’t use Tom’s first name, because it’s too common. Also, during our research, we discovered that 42% of the public in America’s Midwest would assume that any use of the name ‘Tom’ was a reference to Tom Arnold, sometime actor and ex-husband to Roseanne Barr. Tom Arnold has starred in such direct-to-video hits as Carpool and The Stupids.

“We considered at length the option of referring to Tom solely as ‘Cruise.’ But problems again surface that the name can be confused with that of Penélope Cruz. It’s infuriating. Damn homophones. So we went back and forth and brainstormed, and we came up with ‘McCruise.'”

Ploch said that the difficult process of selecting a new name for Cruise took many months. “We played around with a lot of names. But ‘basilmarceau.com’ was taken. ‘BigAssActor’ seemed too egocentric. So we went with ‘McCruise.’

“In the future, when Tom appears in a film, the credit will go to ‘McCruise.’ And before all interviews, the journalist must agree to only refer to Tom as ‘McCruise.’ We look forward to McCruise’s continued success as ‘McCruise,’ as well as many cross-brand promotional opportunities with a Scottish restaurant of some distinction.”McCruise