Little Caesars Deep Dish Pizza to Become Even Deeper with Addition of Degree in English Literature

PEORIA, Illinois – The Fast Food Pizza Chain ‘Little Caesars’ has a hit on its hands with their new $8 deep dish pizza they call the ‘Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza’. To build on their recent success, Little Caesars looks to make their deep dish pizza even deeper with the addition of a degree in English … Continue reading “Little Caesars Deep Dish Pizza to Become Even Deeper with Addition of Degree in English Literature”

A&E to Drop All Artistic Pretensions

A&E will no longer be burdened by its shameful artistic heritage. A&E (formerly the Arts and Entertainment Network) is scheduled to abandon all artistic pretensions by Jan 2014, it was announced today. “We’ve come a long way,” said network spokesperson Ken Wright. A&E certainly has.. When broadcasting began in 1984, A&E distinguished itself for its … Continue reading “A&E to Drop All Artistic Pretensions”

Charlie Sheen experiences ‘totally normal day’

NEW YORK — Charlie Sheen’s personal assistant was hospitalized Thursday after police were called to the hotel room of his employer, star of Anger Management and the Major League films. A spokesperson for New York Presbyterian Hospital stated that the personal assistant was treated for shock, after suffering a seizure while witnessing actor Charlie Sheen … Continue reading “Charlie Sheen experiences ‘totally normal day’”

Retired pope: condom use justified in ‘some cases’

  VATICAN CITY— His Retired Holiness Pope Benedict XVI announced that condom use may be justified in “some cases,” where the primary goal is the prevention of the spread of HIV/AIDS and other diseases, as for a male prostitute. The pontiff went on to explain that condoms may be required in other instances of guy-on-guy … Continue reading “Retired pope: condom use justified in ‘some cases’”

China to miniaturize population by 2055

  BEIJING — The Chinese Ministry of Advanced Planning announced that China will have a miniaturized population in place by 2055. Heung Cheung, spokesperson for the ministry, said that the decision to miniaturize people was the result of population growth exceeding the government’s official target in the census of 2000.  “We have over a billion … Continue reading “China to miniaturize population by 2055”

Coast Guard makes $48 million cocaine buy

  MIAMI — Thanks to a recent intervention by the Coast Guard, $48 million worth of cocaine will not make it to the streets of the United States any time soon. “We used two cutters, that is, large Coast Guard vessels, and a helicopter to intercept a go-fast vessel that had three traffickers on board,” … Continue reading “Coast Guard makes $48 million cocaine buy”

Tom Cruise to change name to ‘McCruise’

LOS ANGELES — Actor and producer Tom Cruise has issued a press release announcing plans to change his name to “McCruise” in the new year. “It’s not a new year’s resolution or anything like that,” said Cruise’s publicist, Baul Ploch. Tom Cruise first rose to public attention in 1983 when he played the lead role … Continue reading “Tom Cruise to change name to ‘McCruise’”